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Eric Cartman
Everyone's favorite lovable and opinionated bastard. Whether he's obsessively deadlocked singing Styx lyrics or plotting to wreak havoc over his current victim, it is nearly impossible to resist his charm.
QUOTES:
Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Mom--Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 - Vote Now!Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, 'God damn, that's a big, fat ass.'
Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass.
Quote Rating: 9.0 outta 10 - Vote Now!Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.
Quote Rating: 9.0 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?
Quote Rating: 9.0 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn' Jew mouth! You're the reason that there's war in the Middle East.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass.
Token: I'm really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 - Vote Now!Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.
Quote Rating: 9.4 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!
Quote Rating: 9.3 outta 10 - Vote Now!Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Quote Rating: 9.2 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Respect My Authority!
Quote Rating: 9.2 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.
Quote Rating: 9.2 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!
Quote Rating: 9.1 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson's time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I'd like to see you try. I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents. *licking on kid's face* Oh, your tear's are so sweet. Oh, yes. Let me taste them. Such sweet pain.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.
Quote Rating: 8.9 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
Quote Rating: 8.8 outta 10 - Vote Now!Cartman: Shut up - you fucking jew!!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the 'f word?'
Cartman: Jew??
Quote Rating: 8.8 outta 10 - Vote Now!